A Gay Novella

CHAPTER 1 - Piss Town

'Takes one to know one.' I said.
'Know what?' Said a tall guy standing behind James, his hair slightly limp curls and his eyes all over us both. He looked like he might be in middle-management for a large bank somewhere near Tottenham Court Road.
'Excuse me! Hello! Was I like, even talking to you?'
'No. I just. Well, I've just moved to London. I've been staying in a hotel. Quite nearby.'
'Oh' said James. 'And we're the lucky ones are we? We're here to absorb your loneliness. Don't think so.'
'No.' I said to Jamie, 'Come on man, you've been lonely before, give him a chance.'
Jamie looked at me like I'd farted in his mouth. 'Suit yourself.'
The limp guy smiled at me, and I gave him that look. The one that says you're there, but only as a polite guide for them because your mom instilled those values into you.
'You do know this is a gay bar don't you?'
'yeah' said Jamie, 'It's for GAYS! We're GAY. Me and him, we're totally fucking queer and this is a place for people like us. You might find that disgusting.'
'No' he said. 'I'm gay' Kind of nervous though.
'You!?' said Jamie, 'Fuck off'
'Are you?' i asked.
'Well...yes.'
'Oh My God' Jamie looked around the bar trying to get everyone to see this thing that had walked in.
'Where are you from?'
'Middlesborough'
Jamie was making choking noises now, then he burst out 'What the fuck are you doing looking like that then?'
'Like what?'
'How old are you?'
'29'
'WHAT! You're younger than me. I thought you were about forty...five thousand years old'
'Sorry.'
'No. Don't be sorry. That's amazing. You've probably got that like wasting disease, like Janette Cranky, the one where your bones age super fast. Is that what you've got?
'No.'
'Maybe your mum looks really old. Does she look really haggard and old too?'
'Shut up'
'Sorry!' Jamie goes silent, which is quite a feat.
'Don't mind Jamie' I say tactfully, I'm suddenly full of tact ' He's one of quintuplets and his brain was starved of oxygen, which is what makes him so rude.
'Oh very funny' says Jamie
'I'm really only here as his helper. It's his first time drinking alcohol.'
'Shut up'
The limp guy laughs and looks at me. But he really doesn't turn me on. I do, however, feel the rather warm feeling of wanting to help someone. Yes. I wanted to help him.
'I'll tell you what?' I say 'If you get me another gin and tonic and get poor Jamie here something a bit less strong, maybe a shandy, then we'll show you round. This place is shit. We're just waiting for the guy Jamie fucked last night to come in then we're going to push him over and leave. You can come with us if you want.
Jamie looks at me like I just shat in his eyes.
'Why do you want to push him over' asks limpy.
'Because he stole my fucking wallet' shouts Jamie, working himself into gay outrage, 'fucker!'
'Because it's fun.' I say. 'You'll enjoy it.'